dear j,

you were my best friend for the longest time and somehow we fell apart.
how did that come to pass, i wonder.

i remember how you called me the day the world stopped turning, tears streaming down your face as you mourned the children left alone. i remember your phone call about losing your house keys and being terrified of someone finding them and breaking into your house. i remember when you broke the crib by sitting on it. i remember how you apologized for everything and how your blue eyes and blond hair made you the butt of so many jokes. i remember how sweet and naive you were and most of all i remember how much i missed you when you were gone.

now you're queen bee and better than them all and i wonder what happened to the sweet girl i used to know? was she lost somewhere in the transition to adulthood? is she hiding inside because she's ashamed of what she's become? was she beaten and bruised and stripped away? or did you put her away? did you lock her up tight to save her from the world? did you shove her in a back room somewhere and pray to anything holy that your new friends never saw her? did that boy of yours take her away?

maybe she left when you did. maybe i lost you and her both. maybe she never really existed at all.

any time i watch pitch black or read harry potter i think of you. i can't help but think that maybe i should have tried harder.
would it have mattered if i had?